deGra[v]itated: June 2002

Sunday, June 30

i want to move to Fern Lodge!!!!!

Friday, June 28

i've got to finish up my class' page layout as soon as i could.. looking forward to tomorrow cause i can't wait to go to that somewhere.. have no clue where is it; but all the same, dreading tuition tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 26

skipped History tuition today, and went to McD + popular with Shirley until 4.20 instead. We spent our time sitting down on the floor, flipping through those webdesigning and programming books.

gotten some Argentum Nitrat stained on my hands and my shirt today during an experiment in Chemistry... eekkzz..
Mom agreed on letting me go to yoke sin's house next saturday.. even opted to drive me there.. cOoL. but i wish i could drive... gawsh.. but i'm hardly 17.. and i'll probably be going to klcc before goin' home on Saturday ;P getting so bored out of that same old place... didn't i just went there... last week?? uhh...no.. that was 2 weeks back.
i waanna watch the movie.. Mom didn't say if she'll let me stay overnight; she didn't even say i can't. so...?? *sHrUgs* i don't know..

btw.. hApPy b|rThDaY.. caryn!! ... u'Re oFfiCiaLLy sEVenTe3N!!! *cheerSs* n' *hUgSs*

click here ... to see the card i've choosen for ya.. ;P
not exactly chun, but its funny.. haha.... just for fun, an'way

Monday, June 24

COMquiz was… not to say tough… but it certainly isn’t easy. Well, almost couldn’t answer most of the questions though, so I guess it’s tough for me. The point is, we were actually only there for the free gifts. I wasn’t in the mood to study, and had been pretty busy the days before, so I did not read anything for the quiz.

The fun part was, we hung out at McD before registration begins, and Yi San, Yin San, Sook Kuan, Se Yin and I start having our small little brainstorming session. Not exactly brainstorming… more like, our own little quiz to refresh our memory. LoL.

Yi San : What’s the capacity of a normal 3½ floppy disc?
Me : (enthusiastically shouting…) I know! I Know! 3½ Floppy disc, 3.124….. wOpPz.. I mean, 1.44 megabytes.

LoL.

Taken all the time to clear my mind off to get back on my studies. It’s been almost a week now, since he went away, yet I still feel him around.

Those days when I used to go over to spend my holidays at Gram’s place are still so clear in my mind’s eye. Somehow, Grandpa’s death made me recollect my childhood days.

I remembered how we used to sleep over for 3 or 4 days there, with all our cousins. We would try waking up extremely early in the morn- about 5 or 6 a.m. just to follow grams to go for their morning walk/exercise. Sometimes, all of us got angry cause we woke up and grams are already out on their daily walks. Claiming they didn’t want to wake us up since we slept so late the night before.

Other times, grams would take us along, and we’ll talk and laugh as we walk. They’ll drop us all at the Tunku Abdul Rahman Park, which we used to refer to it as the ‘Mushroom Park’. About 8 or 8.30a.m, we’ll have breakfast at those coffee shops.

We’ll spend the afternoon begging grandpa to bring us to bookshops at Petaling Street. Then he’ll just laugh and walk away, and out on the streets—he loves to walk. He spends his day just walking from the house to everywhere possible.
We’ll end up playing Monopoly or other kinds of games. We’ll get Gin Wai’s toys to play. We play the marriage game...lol. And took toy dogs as our pet dog. We pretend those rooms are houses. We pretend the balcony’s our kitchen, and the closet as our washroom.
Once Grandpa reaches home from his walk, we’ll rush out to tell him we’re all ready to go out. He’ll just laugh, and agree to bring us all out. We’ll walk all the way to Petaling Street, and we’ll just buy anything possible from there. I remember how we always didn’t have enough money. Grandpa would want to pay for us anyway. We will go from Bookshops to bookshops. Popular, to Big Book Shop, to those other small bookshops. We’ll be running back, and enjoyed it every single time.

I remembered early mornings breaking in V.I. We’ll try racing at the running track… bluekZz. I was only about 8 or 9 years old then.

Then I remembered how everyone nicknamed me ‘honey’ cause Mom told everyone I love drinking honey. eWww..

One Saturday while we’re spending our holiday at Grams, grandpa was watching the evening news, and during the sports highlight, grandma started saying how nice and high the nose of that runner is. Grandpa somehow misheard, and said “yea, 7 feet long”. All of us burst into laughter. he was thinking about their long feet.

Sunday, June 23

life resumes..back to my daily routine. even with Grandad's absence, life goes on. but i know things will never be the same again.

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

Saturday, June 22

still cant believe he's gone so fast. it makes me wonder what life is all about, and makes me think of everything he did. everything he used to do. everything he loves to do.
everything he did to make us all happy. everything he did to make me laugh. i miss him a lot. i really do.

Tuesday, June 18

I thought my ears are deceiving me. but i didn't know i was the one who was deceiving myself.

still couldn't believe it now, he's gone. he left us all. Left me behind. Left all of us. It is so sudden, that i couldn't even take it. somehow, i did not cry. but i am truly depressed. my hands feels cold. they are cold. and nope, my ears aren't deceiving me. not a bit.
i don't feel lucky at all. not a bit. at least not now.

i still remember grandad. He had been a part of my life. He still is a part of my life, and he will always be. When i recollect the memories of my childhood, i could picture him. and there he is. he is still alive.

dreading saturday... but all the same, looking forward to Saturday.
been one long day in school today. 2 lab reports to be done... did kinda sux during BM lisan trial today.
had to rush my history notes. am reaaaaaaaaalll grateful i found someone to print the chapter 2 notes for me. searched the whole dannngg evening online for the notes, and found nothing at all. spent too much time online, that i didn't even read anything for the bm oral test. sheezz...

couldn't imagine how much much more lucky i could get. but, dang. i don't feel all too lucky.
i wish Dad would bring us out for dinner at San Fransisco Steak House again. gawshh.. i missed last yr end.

Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist

These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Monday, June 17

wish i could do whatever i want to.
i had a great time on saturday.. hanging out at klcc after tution, and rushing around at mv because it's almost near closing time. it was exhausting. and i wished i could stay for a midnight show or something. celine refused to, cause she was afraid mom or dad might just call home to check on us, and if there's no one there to answer the phone, we'll be dead.

sunday.. boring as always. did a rumusan, and some other works, then watched the wcup match between ireland and spain before switching it to The Gilmore Girls at night.. i was so, so, so, wishing iReLaNd would win.. dang..

Mom and Dad reached home at about 2am this morning. stayed back for webmasters, registered a temporary email for the webmasters, while waiting for the school to get the application letter ready to apply for our very own domain.

i wish i could just sit back and relax and enjoy life right now. thinking about exams and exams almost killed me. thinking about my results depressed me big time. if i could just hang around in my room, and reorganize my photo album, and redesign a new layout for this site... take a good rest in the afternoon or at least able to sleep earlier at night... not needing to care about the school's site, no tuitions at all, redesign a new wallpaper for my desktop, do some sketches, draw some art, sit in front of the pc the whole day long, listening to songs, watch t.v, go for horseback riding, swimming, jogging, eat...eat..eat..and eat all sorts of yuummmyy food. ahhhh... then i would really feel how wonderful life is.

but come to think of it again, if that's all i do in life - no worries and doubts at all, then what am i living for? shirley somehow got me to do some thinking for a split second. Left me wondering what exactly do we live for. An'way, i got over the question pretty soon.

Was planning to read up for comquiz, but ended up talking about childhood and talking about changes in human, and changes in everyone around us. it's unbelievable how childhood passed us by so quickly, yet it seems we've come a long way. then what's going to happen in the future.. nobody really knows, do they?

Saturday, June 15

hey...hey..hey...caryn... calm down a lil!!! u sounded kinda angry.. sorry if i made u mad, or if i ever seem like i am ignoring you. i'm not. why would i. friends don't ignore each other..

just got a little too busy with these webmaster stuffs that had been bothering me since...forever..

just came back from klcc... i'm so so so exhausted. tuition was... okay. as usual - lonely.. somehow, i guess i'll have to study up my chem again. mr. raj said my calculation is getting rusty. lol. and when i didn't realize, he took my spectacles away. this girl who sat beside me was giggling away, and i wondered what is so funny... didn't realize what actually happened, and i stupidly laughed along as i ask her why. only realize it when mr. raj gave me back my specs.

it had been long since the last time i actually went out shopping, or just hanging at the mall with my friends. i was so looking forward to today, cause i finally could walk around klcc. It somehow turned out: i got so tired and ate too much for lunch, that i didn't feel like walking around anymore.
went home at around 4p.m. .... at last.... going out to mid valley again tonight... celine's driving us there. i can't waaaaaiiiiit

Friday, June 14

You were born in a Year of the Wood Ox!
Ox : Endurance, Duty, Strength

Ox/buffalo is the hard working, serious, authoritarian of the family. The Ox is opinionated and serious in life. Determined, strong, and enduring, these conservative souls have solid opinions and are gifted with their hands. The Ox is a lover of family and duty. Oxen gather strength during the quiet, slow hours they rule, between 1:00am - 3:00am.

The nature of Wood is to expand. Wood symbolizes imagination, creativity, and idealism. Its moderate nature is devoted to goodwill, charm and beauty. People born under this element possess high moral ethics; and show exceptional self-confidence. Wood natives understand the value of things and their interests are expansive and eclectic. The expansive nature of Wood, (Much as the great Sequoia tree in the northwest) brings cooperation and an ability to do things on a grand scale. Progressive thinking and generosity allow those influenced by the Wood element to develop large projects and leadership ventures. The proclivity of Wood is to move upward and outward, and to penetrate through. The Wood element brings authority, compassion and natural presence to each of the signs. Wood's physical organs are the Liver and gallbladder; it's flavor is acidic/tart. Wood's color is Green and corresponds to the season of Spring and wind.
- from chineseastrology.com/

waited for mom for more than half an hour in the car and finally celine decided that we should just go to the sri petaling pizza hut and eat there to kill time. got back all my papers. my results aren't too good, though.

feel reeeeealll bad after summing up my total marks per 900. it seems..*gawsshh*... yisan.... how did ya study??? ... seems i got about 100 marks less than yi san... well, 91, actually. but i rounded it up to hundred. just to make myself feel worse. lol. i know it sounds crazy, but i realllllllyy need some pushing to get myself to study better the next time. the coming exam, that is.

Wednesday, June 12

just came back from tuition and i am so so so tired. meant to meet up with eric today, but well, i don't know. it's raining, and he didn't seem to be there on time. maybe a little late. or maybe we are a little too late. *shrugs* i don't know. either way. anyway, szejye, shir and i left.

going back to tuitions after four whole months of not going feels... still the same. same old, brand new. it still feels the same, because the people in those classes seemed so familiar. they somehow did. probably seen them since last year. but it's different cause i'm going all alone this time. seyin still refused to take up tuitions. hmm....

lol....here goes.....another new layout. i just can't stop myself from getting bored with my current layout all too soon.
see..there's this error on page. and i'm getting too tired to get it fixed today. some other day....maybe....

Tuesday, June 11

Waited two foolish hours at the school's gate for mom or at least the driver to drive us home. he did not came, and neither did mom. it turned out, dad forgotten to inform him about today's schedule in the midst of a hasty morning of waking up a little too late. He somehow did not even ask about it. Maybe it did not cross his mind to even ask about it, but he should've known better.. dad usually tells him, even if he does not need to drive us home. Anyway, i got so so tired of waiting and decided to take the lrt home instead.

Today was... considerably okay. Got back the chemistry papers.. sux.. got a 2A average marks of the 2 papers: 74%.

GaWsHh.. i could've done better. If only i have studied a little more seriously before the whole exam. Cause i think i remembered going online and was sitting in front of the computer the whole day a day before the paper.. I've got back most of my papers now, only waiting for Moral and History, and Biology and add math. hmm..that's still quite a lot...

started back tuitions on Saturdays and wednesdays. i can see how bad my studies are becoming, and they shouldn't get any more worse. i really really gotta find a way to make myself study.

the reminder of susan's birthday suddenly crossed my mind. and i did message her a birthday greeting through the sms. she did reply. it's great to know that she's doing fine.. in singapore.

Sunday, June 9

First he said he wouldn't leave me
What a fool to believe that line
Just another one of his obsessions
To help pass the time

Get it right, get it right, get it right
Don't get it wrong
Cos if you want me
Get your ass on over here and show me
Stop wasting time
And if you need me get your act together boy
And show me
You should be mine

All in love is fair
One of us will lose
Is it her or me?
Is it me or you?
Who's it gonna be?
What you gonna do?
Are you over me?
I'm not over you

First you said that you wouldn't cheat me
That our love was to last all time
She must have been a big exception
If you're not the cheating kind

Get it right, get it right, get it right
Don't get it wrong
Cos if you want me
Get your ass on over here and show me
Stop wasting time
Boy if you knew me
Baby you would never want to lose me
Make up your mind

All in love is fair
One of us will lose
Is it her or me?
Is it me or you?
Who's it gonna be?
What you gonna do?
Are you over me?
I'm not over you

You gotta take the good with the bad
The happy with the sad
But don't get mad if things don't go the way you planned it
Just understand that real love is in demand
If you're ready for commitment girl just take my hand
If you get lucky love will be a cruise
There are so many roads
Which one ya gonna choose
But there's a risk ya know ya gotta take
No messing, a choice ya gotta make
The one cross you know you've gotta bear
All in love is fair

All in love is fair
One of us will lose
Is it her or me?
Is it me or you?
Who's it gonna be?
What you gonna do?
Are you over me?
I'm not over you

All in love is fair
One of us will lose
Is it her or me?
Is it me or you?
Who's it gonna be?
What you gonna do?
Are you over me?
I'm not over you

Saturday, June 8

I'm just a girl with a crush on you

Don't care about money
It doesn't give me half the thrill
To the thought of you, honey
So tell me that you want me still
If only I could trade the fancy cars
For a chance today, it's incomparable
I might be sitting with the movie stars
Everybody say that I have it all

But I can't make you love me
Is it my life or the things I do?
Can't make you love me
I'm just a girl with a crush on you

I have been through changes,
But I'm still the girl you used to know
It's made me no different
So tell me why you had to go
Oh baby, I will trade the fancy cars
For a chance today, it's incomparable
I might be sitting with the movie stars
Everybody say that I just have it all

But I can't make you love me
Is it my life or the things I do?
Can't make you love me
I'm just a girl with a crush on you

Just the thought of being close to you
It's incomparable
Should be happy with the life I live
And the things I do
Seems like I have it all

Can't make you, make you love me baby
It's my life, what can I do?
Can't make you love me, alright
I'm just a girl with a crush on you

But I can't make you love me
Is it my life or the things I do?
Can't make you love me
I'm just a girl with a crush on you

I'm just a girl with a crush on you

Friday, June 7

went to eat at a restaurant near the school with mom for lunch, while waiting for time to pass. And somehow johnny was there. He saw me first.. i almost couldn't recognize him. it took me a while to finally make out who he was.. of course, i still remember how he looked and who he is...

got my English papers' total marks, and pHysIcs papers.. *s|gH* must really study harder this time.

*dang*.. how many million times have i been telling myself that same old thing?

Thursday, June 6

*s|gH*...... so tHis is my latest layout. didn't plan to make a new one, till....i don't know ... sometime later.
just got to study more, cause mom's already complaining. and i don't want to be banned from using the pc.

caryn...caryn... hehe...so when would u like to cOme oVer tO my hOusE? heeehhe

i don't really like this new layout....(bLuEhKz...)...and well...*shrUgSs* if u don't like it, u've just got to bear with it... i think..

......wut do u gUys tH|nK aBout this layout...actually?

Wednesday, June 5

took this from nell, who took it from erika -

1. My name is -- nic. and i love my name [";]
2. I may seem -- mysterious, reserved and snobbish
3. But I'm really -- reserved - most of the time. yet easy to be with, and deep; somewhere in me.
4. People who know me think I'm -- *shrugSs* ... okay..
5. If you knew me you'd probably -- think i'm cool =P
6. Sometimes I feel -- stupid... but i'll get over it pretty soon.
7. In the morning I -- make sure my day will be great.
8. I like to sleep -- with my toy dawgie.
9. If I could be doing anything right now I would be -- travelling around europe, and *rich*.
10. Money is -- important. yet, there are still some things that it can't buy.
11. One thing I wish I had is -- a bestest, bestest gUy fRieNd on eaRth whom i confide in, and he also confide in me.
12. One thing I have that I wish I didn't is -- doubts/ uncertainties.
13. All you need is -- someone to rely on especially when times are bad.
14. All I need is -- confidence and success in life.
15. If I had one wish it would be -- to be perfect in every way.
16. Love is -- WeiRd, wEiRd, WeIrD, but aMaZinGLy bEaUtIfuL.
17. My body -- ??????????????????
18. If an angel flew into my window at night I would -- think i am dreamin' or in heaven.
19. If a demon crashed into my window I would -- probably not care.
20. If I could see one person right now it would be -- *geeZzz* yOu!~
21. Something I want but I don't really need is -- S-class Merz and Porshe Boxter!~
22. Something I need but I don't really want is -- advice.
23. I live for -- myself.
24. I dare you all to -- sMiLe [";]
25. I am afraid of -- ants... =P
26. I am not afraid of -- death
27. It makes me angry when -- i couldn't be any better.
28. I dream about -- the future, past, and present.
28. I daydream about -- *this guy*

Monday, June 3

went to school to try to finish up the template for the school site. we didn't want to call teacher, so we ended up being visitors of the school.

it's already more than 2 days after the trip, yet i'm still missing the trip.....awwwwwwwww...... missed it so soo much.. =)
i still remember playing with that two annoying snakes at the Snake Temple.
here's a pic Alex took:-

Sunday, June 2

breeze as cold as fall
air as chilling as winter
snows were white
but they soon turned grey
just like how you were to me
you took my heart
making me smile and shine
and you filled me with laughter
and the sweet thoughts
and happiness that seemed would last
but now you're so cold
like i wasn't even there at all
like giving me heaven
and then took it away
leaving me in the cold cold world
the cruel cruel place
you seemed to like me
oh, you really do
...don't you?
or was it just an illusion
because i am beginning to believe
love's just an illusion
filled with sadness and confusion--
thinking of you messed up my mind
troubled my heart and
withered my soul
yet i still think of you
cause you made me sad and sober now
and till always, i will still be thinking of you

Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby
You were dreaming of me
Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

Saturday, June 1

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
He's been good to me
And he deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free

We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
There can be no happy ending

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
He's been good to me
And he deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free

I don't want to live a lie
What can I do?

i'mmmmmmmmmmmmmm =)

deGra[v]itated