A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But i'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face
Or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter
Either way I'll have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions I have to find
My head's spinnin', boy i'm in a daze
I feel isolated, don't wanna communicate
I take a shower, I will scour,
I will roam to find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned
Flexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from a to z
Conversations, hesatations in my mind
You got my conscience
Asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I aint done nothing wrong,
No I'm just waiting cos
I heard that this feeling won't last that long
Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way i'm feeling,
Yeah, you got me feeling really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own piece of mind
I've never ever had my conscience to fight
The way i'm feeling - it just don't feel right
I'll keep searching deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace gotta feel at ease
Need to be free from pain
Go insane
My heart aches
- All Saints
I'm faded, flat busted. I've been jaded I've been dusted. It's funny. The things that used to matter so much to me don't seem to matter no more. All I care about now, are things I never really cared back then.
[edited]
and here are some Plugs(past commenters): venessa, alli, kayla, krisela, ruz, caryn, dusty, james ooi, debbie, and Caitlin.
[/edited]
Thank you,
for teaching me how to love,
showing me what the word means.
What I've been dreaming of
and now I know there is nothing
that I could not do,
thanks to you.
For teaching me how to feel,
showing me my emotions.
Letting me know what's real
from what is not.
What I've got is more than I'd ever hope for,
and a lot of what I hope for
is thanks to you.
No mountain, no valley,
no time, no space.
No heartache, no heartbreak,
no fall from grace
can stop me from believing
that my love will pull me through,
thanks to you.
For teaching me how to live,
putting things in perspective,
showing me how to give,
and how to take.
No mistake we were put here together,
but if I breakdown,
forgive me, but it's true
that I am aching
with the love I feel inside,
thanks to you.
- Tyler Collins
I always wanted to post more frequently, but everytime i am in front of the computer, I got so lazy, i just don't feel like it. And everytime something significant happened, i never thought of posting it up anymore because of my laziness :\ i know during normal school days back in high school i switch on the pc everyday after school and my eyes will be glued to the screen until dinner time. I am that addicted to the pc! I will play The Sims, or design a new layout, or post blogs. I remember how everyone used to be so into taking online quizzes to post on blogs.. I know I changed layout more often than i blogged...but can't blame me for loving webdesigning more than blogging :P well, that's the main reason why i kept this site anyway. I really thought i shouldn't have it anymore since I needed more time spent on studying and not webdesigning. I spent like, 4 hours on this layout, and I'm expecting it to stay here quite a while. But the truth is I still miss last year, when i have all the time in the world. We used to have computers in our classroom, so whenever we have free periods, we'll blog. And i remember it was Caryn who brought me into that blogging mood.
I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular, until yesterday when I was in Coffee Bean in Sunway Pyramid. I met Jot, well, he saw us first actually. Chatted a while.. then he left and the rest of the time I was trying to read this thick stack of notes for Moral Studies test this coming Tuesday. It made me somehow, miss High School years. I know I don't always miss High School...but sometimes I just get all sentimental about those days. Just don't ask me why. Cause now they're like ten thousand miles away, and so out of reach. Each passing day, I walk further away from them. It used to be so fun going to tuitions with SeYin, Sarah, or Shirley and C.J.. We used to talk so much, we were always so crazy. And we walked together for lunch. And I don't know how the freaking hell did everything went so astray. Well, perhaps it's really true what they say "time could change everything". It really did. Every one of us changed in our own way. Even I did. I like the times when Yi San and I used the excuse of "we needed to do something for Webmaster" to escape boring lessons, and how I used to can't wait to go home to babble all about it on my blog. And text-messaging Sarah so often. But the time I missed most was tuitions where Sarah and I sometimes talked more than paying attention. Though sometimes I tried paying more attention to the lesson. We used to take this blank piece of paper and started making our own 'written-chatroom', it was so funny. It didn't exactly remind me of Primary School days back then, but now it did. I used to have this game with a few of my closest friends back then - there were four of us, and I was Snoopy. Caryn was MInnie and seyin was Bobdog. Sueann was Garfield. We'll take paper scraps to write to each other, and we always have those "trips" to somewhere, it was just virtual ones. We were naive back then, but it's just one of the kid's game I used to play. It wasn't stupid - it's just naive. But those days have long been gone. Then we have all the fights and we hated each other, then we befriended each other. When I was in Primary One, Me, Seyin and Abigail, and another close friend of ours used to be our teacher's fav. students. And we hated this other girl, so we always play tricks on her or tease her and insult her. Looking back, and I think we're so cruel to treat her that way. Why was I so arrogant.
Then I shifted school. Two years later I went over to Abby's house to pay her a visit, and she didn't want to talk to us anymore. It could've been because we're so distant now - we don't even know each other anymore. So I moved on. Have new friends. We all moved on.
Bio was cancelled yesterday so Em, SeYin and I went to Sunway Pyramid. And as we were walking around, too bored, we saw this old man whom Emma claimed, is a Hong Kong actor. I don't remember seeing any actor who looked like him, or maybe I just haven't been watching enough movies to spot him. Or maybe he just looked so different in the movies? But I turned back a second time to look because he has this slight resemblence of Grandpa. He really looked like my late Grandfather. and I miss him so much. Sometimes I wish he's still alive..but that would be so impossible.
Then, sometimes I felt like everyone's turned their back on me. Everything seemed to hate me...and I will change just anything to make them like me. I always think no one will know what it feels like to be me. I guess I have never thought how I won't know how it feels like to be others; perhaps if I have thought so earlier, I could've been more understanding? I could only say, it certainly isn't the best feeling on earth when you're being lied to by your very close friend, or when you're betrayed by a good friend, or when your closest friends think you've changed, that you're nasty, and started ignoring you; started telling others. It feels like hell. or worse than that. there were times i feel like shit and no one was there to bring me up. So I had to turn to myself. i don't see why i should hate them for that now. I used to. Because it could've been just a misunderstanding. or it could've been because it's really something I did that made them hate me so much. Or maybe it was no one's fault. And I never have any best friends. When I was a kid, I used to wish I have a close friend whom I've known as a kid. But now I know not all dreams come true.
I miss my little Travis. awwww.
I think I've been missing too many people, and times, and things lately. And I know one day I'll look back and miss those times when Vikki or Yvonne drove us to Sunway Pyramid almost every Friday for lunch and bowling.
One month ago today,
I was happy as a lark
But now I go for walks....
to the movies, maybe to the park.
I have a seat on the same old bench
To watch the children play
You know tomorrows their future
But for me its just another day
They all gather round me they seem to know my name
We laugh, tell a few jokes but it still doesnt ease my pain
EVERY NEW BEGINNING COMES FROM SOME OTHER BEGINNING'S END
We had a pretty cool outing on Sunday out at BB. I am so sorry we made the birthday girl wait for us for a whole half an hour when we're all up in Delifrance. We took some photobook pictures again, this time having to squeeze 10 of us. Sometimes i guess i still like my high school friends better. It's not that I don't like my new friend. They're really one whole lot smart-crazy-cool-and-nice to be with. Perhaps it's because I've only known them for three months and it just isn't as long as 4 or 5 years of High School? And of course after you've fitted yourself in a few groups of friend which you have much in common with, and you've just felt so in-the-crowd, who would've like to get out of it and now we had to try fitting in to a whole new surrounding. It's just like throwing away a teddy bear you've owned since a 3 years old for another one when that one is hardly ragged. Well, being with them and knowing each other well enough to be able to crack jokes that make us all laugh together.. or speaking languages that only we ourselves understand, and understanding what we meant by just saying a simple word. Like me and my friend we saw some of our classmates back then in Secondary 5 who goes in to this chatroom called 'kampung chat' so each time we spot them chatting on mIRC we'll say "kampung chat" and we'll both laugh even though it's not even close to funny or anything like that. We'll say "hey.. there your best friend!!" when we saw someone they don't like. I know it sounded lame, it is.
But sometimes having known someone for too long just ain't helping at all. Being too close to someone makes you take that person for granted. I read an article in the paper few days back about how we often forget our manners when we're with someone we're close to, but we are so polite and respect those complete strangers whom we might only meet once in our lifetime. Certainly it's about leaving good impressions..but why can't we also treat our closest friends the same? And leave good impression on them as well? Maybe we just care too much about looking forward to what the future holds -- then look back reminiscing great times we had or regret over the dumbest things we did.. I guess we just tend to overlook things that are right next to us. We took our parents or siblings for granted that they should take care of us, or they should do this or that..we didn't even realise how we never should do things for them. Well, everything in life is just too temperamental. Everything come and go. We never took the trouble to treasure the closest things that are next to us. And by the time we realise, it could've been too late. As the saying goes : you won't know what you've got 'till it's gone. Sometimes your closest friends just took you for granted and you suddenly felt like you hate it. But most of the times knowing someone too much also leads to knowing that person a little too well and you started making assumptions that you know they're like this, or you know they will sure do that. For knowing each other too long. Then you started hearing them criticising you. They suddenly turn their back on you. There was this sudden pang of loneliness and guilt and couldn' figure out what went wrong - but everything just did. I know how awful it feels because I had been through that before. I'm sure everyone had. It's like a hard machine crushing my head and feeling like I could just break down and cry and hit myself on the head wishing I will know what the hell is wrong with me that makes everyone hates me so. It hurts so much that I felt like it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden pain. A sudden rush. But I have to be strong and I'm not supposed to cry over tiny little problems like that :|
Well, I've some friends whom I have known for 9 long years now. We don't hang out too often - just some Sports House practices together and all, and we're still keeping in touch.
And that isn't the best feeling in the world when things turn bitter, you know you couldn't even stand on your two feet because you feel like you're crumbling down. You'll fall down just any second even though you're holding on tight to that something because that something you held will turn its back on you too. And I never wanted anymore best friends. I just want close friends whom I could hang out with and chat and go out and spend time with. You see I learn from mistakes. I learn from experience. I hate being lie to.
And Pre-U isn't going to get me the closest friend on earth for life when it's only a year and a half course. And 18 months isn't long. But to the very least, there are more than a hundred days for us to hang out together and to get to know each other. Just maybe I'll have one or two of them going to the same uni as I am. Maybe then I could find someone I could call true friend. But I know I can't guarantee that we'll stay that close forever, now that these closest friends I had from High School seem to be drifting away. The gap between us are growing wider with each passing day. Sometimes I wonder why life have to be so cruel.
But I know.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. And everything come and go. So does everyone in your life.
Ain't it sad to know that life
is more than who we are
THE ONE WITHOUT ANY BREAKS
I get a nice extra few hundred bucks to spend for this month prior to my examination results so yay but I guess I would like to keep them for the rainy days not in the bank though because it might take me forever to walk to the bank (as if i will even walk some half an hour just for the bank) a few long minutes to get myself out of the house and out in the streets because i wouldn't even do that and then some few more minutes to get it withdrawed and a couple of minutes before i get roasted under the hot sun on my way back home or i could just sit down at the bus stand and wait for the pathetic bus to come by and pay a goddamn 50 cents just to go to a place i could reach if mom would just be kind enough to let me drive her car because i still don't have a lisence and i'm already eighteen soon ouch but what if it's a first or third Saturday of the week I wouldn't even be able to enter the bank cause they'll be closed oh well what the hell am i crappin' anyway
I am had this sudden test for mathematics finally the first test and it's like duh we were so unprepared but anyways we had to sit for it because our mentor went like "kay be prepared next lesson" which is right after double period LAN and we're all doomed we have just finished trigonometry last friday and that's like the 'freshest' thing that's on my mind but it won't be included so what the heck i even read a bit of biology during mathematics' first period today because i have forgotten to bring my whole damn stack of homeworks ms chandra didn't say anything so i don't care all i know is that moral education is ending so soon that you couldn't imagine just how happy we all are we're finally getting out of that thing but wait a minute LAN hasn't ended just yet we still have Malaysian Studies to suffer :P well we coulda just skip it anyway if he just won't call our names out we'll be so safe no one will know we went to sunway pyramid during that two most-dreaded awful periods i will just go in there and sit at the far end and do my mathematics homework but today i had none so i had to fiddle with my handphone or pretend to listen so intensely to all the things he said about the Moral behavior and that thing about what we human are social beings i thought we are homo sapiens well sorry for that crap
we are learning about genes mutation and chromosomes mutation and euploidy and anueploidy and i really thought i should bring a pillow to sleep during chemistry because it is killing me poor eyes they're so tired i didn't mean to be so mean but i just thought if i could just have a seat somewhere in the middle or at the back of the class it would've been so much helpful because sitting in front could just kill me anytime with all the horrible and terrible and cancerous smell of whiteboard markers and having to help clean the board most of the time so whenever a teacher comes in i'll turn to the back and pretend to be busy
i don't have that cravin' to go out for shopping anymore but i'd like to just go out and have a drink or two with my friends and chat but i don't intend to spend my money so much on food but i did that every single day when i had to go to college it's almost like more than 5 bucks a day except for days like today which is tuesdays because i don't have lunch break i would really love the idea of going out for karaoke and bowling and pool but i don't think it will ever be anytime around this month because i'm running outta cash fast and i don't know how i spent 'em.
I used to like Wednesdays a lot. Well, I still do now. Partly because school hours are until 1.50pm on Monday, and 2.30pm on Tuesday so Wednesday is like the YAY day when I could go back at 1.10pm. And by now, i don't remember if i ever had tuitions on Wednesdays or not. Or was it Thursdays, or Fridays. But anyway, hell. Who cares? d:) Cause now it doesn't even matter anymore. Most of my classes ends at 1.50pm now. So duh, does it even make any difference. Though Tuesdays are still the most-dreaded day. It was then, it still is now because that's the day when I have no breaks at all. It's 5 hours of classes straight. I was supposed to have a 2 hours break in between actually, but all thanks to LAN - I now have none. I skipped LAN only once to play bowling in Pyramid because I decided I should be a good girl. Lol! Well, just because I don't hope to be marked absent just in case he ever did check attendance..just in case i was that unlucky.
My favourite day would have to be Friday. Even though it means going back at 3pm and drop down dead, and tired. When classes begins at 8 in the morning. Well, we have another 2 hour break. We'll choose between the few pathetic choices every Friday - Pyramid, Subang Parade, or ack..Summit. We hardly goes to Summit, though [: So last Friday we had lunch at Pyramid, and decided we should just gobble everything up fast and speed back to college so we would be early for Bio Lab Practice. Well, we ended up having Ice-Blended Mocha at Coffee Bean after lunch. Vikki and Yvonne were making up silly comments and suggestions on the comment-card, and I was stupidly trying hard to keep them from putting them in the box. Well, I finally decided i shouldn't give a damn anyway.
Yesterday we went to Pyramid again. They're having this tournament thingy at Pyramid Bowl, so we didn't play bowling. Of course, we had lunch first..There are people like Shalin Zuklifi and all - in their MALAYSIA shirt. Ended up taking photo booth photograph -- we all signed our name on it too! That's so cool, and all six of us have one copy of it. And was rushing the hell out of us back to Lab cause we're 15 minutes late. LoL.
ack. Enough bout college :P well, nothing much. I hadn't been going out any much lesser, but since I go out every Friday anyway..I'll just count that in. Actually I really wonder why does everyone in the city seem to look so highly on the Mega sales..it's like, just another sales. They have it 3 times a year, so what's the craze 'bout? People are jamming town just to shop and they could bring home stuffs more than their hands could carry! That's absurd, i tell ya! LOL. But i'm most probably going out tomorrow. It's Sher's birthday, and we're gonna damn celebrate it. WOOhOO!! It's not going to be any sorta smashing party.. cause we're just going to have lunch and chat and all. But agh who cares. I haven't been meeting them since, like..urm two weeks ago? LoL.
I had been cutting down online a LOT lately and it will have to be because I have an overload of Mathematics homework. Ooh I LOVE trigonemetry!! :P Lord, I must be insane..
Here's a toast
To all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
THE ONE WHERE I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER
Yay...it's sis' birthday today. so, HapPy biRtHdaY!!! aWw.
...even though I don't know if she'll be reading this, i just wanna shout it out :) didn't get her anything for her birthday, but dvine and i posted her a card; and i wished her only thru sms today :\
oooh.. can't wait for Summer! ('cause she'll be back for the hol!!!) *yeEeeeaaay
/me missing her sooo much.
??!*
it's been one hell of a busy week; and almost driven me insane. I am hoping things will turn out better but they just didn't. Like, um. don't know. Well, it's just like how i had been playing bowling more than a thousand times (not literally :P)and i just couldn't get a strike. At all.
I'm listening to mp3s, doing maths right now. Ultra's 'Say You Do' reminds me of 1998. geeS I miss those times.
Going to college is like going to hell. I have tons of hwork, so gtg now ;)
